I'm Having a Private Party

My year-end reflection in celebration of how far I've come

In honor of this being my last post in 2024 and in follow-up to last week’s post, I thought it would be appropriate to reflect this week on my progress this year. It goes without saying that 2024 was difficult from beginning to end. Entangled in that difficulty is a lot of growth. I learned so much. Through the trauma and heartache, I am thankful for the lessons. This blog was birthed from that pain. It also gave me the courage to share with the public what I have always enjoyed doing, writing.

For the past several years, I have treated myself to an annual getaway at the Salamander Resort & Spa in Middleburg, Virginia. I cannot remember when this tradition began, but it served as my light at the end of the tunnel after a busy billable year during my law firm days. The holidays were often a mixed bag because it meant having to honker down and finish the work year strong in lieu of slowing down to make memories with family.

Salamander became my reward for powering through. In addition to enjoying their beautiful spa services and amenities, I use the time for reflection. I review the year on paper and ask myself what I learned, what I achieved, and what I wanted to focus on in the coming year. The answers to these questions certainly revolved around the balance between work and life. Over time, it also included an identification and reevaluation of my values to see if I was living my life accordingly and identifying steps that could move me closer.

This year, I am doing it a little differently and reflecting on a few thoughtful questions posed by a self-care author, coach, and podcaster that I follow, Mel Robbins. She posted the following thought provoking questions on her Instagram page:

1. What are the people, experiences, and commitments that created positive feelings, energy and memories for you this year?

2. What are the people, experiences, and commitments that triggered negative feelings, energy and emotions for you this year?

3. What did you learn about yourself over the past year?

4. What are you going to stop doing in the coming year?

5. What are you going to start doing next year?

6. What are you going to continue doing next year?

7. What can you do today to take the first step in the direction toward making 2025 your best year yet?

Despite my admission that I am not OK as I end the year, I wanted this blog post to celebrate my progress. I have decided to share my responses here since some of my readers (mostly family and friends) have been along on the ride with me.

What are the people, experiences, and commitments that created positive feelings, energy and memories for you this year?

First and foremost, I want to celebrate our amazing village that supported us throughout the year. We have a wonderful community of family, friends, co-workers, mentors, therapists, coaches, and teachers who helped us navigate the ups and downs. We are lucky to have so many people to lean on for support. I cannot recap the year without reflecting on your assistance, encouragement, and comfort.

My fondest memory is from January when our village showed up for us after our daughter’s suicide attempt. One friend in particular was amazing in ensuring that I was there for her at the hospital, that our family was fed, and that we had a game plan for ensuring her safety when she returned home a week later from in-patient treatment. I still remember to this day how much love was filled in our home the day after we admitted her for in-patient treatment. It was the saddest day of my life. I remember being filled with so much fear.

While I now understand the importance of asking for help, it was nice not having to do so that day. They somehow just knew what we needed. I am thankful that I did not have to go through that experience alone. They held my hand as we explained the next steps for our daughter, developed a game plan for ensuring her safety when she returned home, and were there as I navigated the scary world of in-patient hospitalization, partial hospitalization, intensive outpatient therapy, and family therapy.

This is just one example of many of the people in our life who showed up and supported us this year. To those of you who were there, thank you. There are not enough words to express just how much your kindness meant.

What are the people, experiences, and commitments that triggered negative feelings, energy and emotions for you this year?

I almost don’t want to answer this question in this post because I want to focus on the good. It goes without saying that supporting my daughter through depression and a suicide attempt brings up feelings of fear, anxiety, trauma, sadness, disappointment, and helplessness, just to name a few. The biggest source of negativity from that experience was the fight I had to endure with the school that broke her soul in the process. It also was incredibly difficult to balance these efforts with my commitments at work. I felt overextended, overwhelmed, and exhausted from these efforts.

I learned to have the courage to speak up when feeling those emotions. While I certainly had pockets of time when I put my head down and powered through (sometimes even with tears), I began to rewire my brain to speak up when I needed help or even needed to take a break. I hit the pause button on my career twice this year. Once to recover from surgery and again to recover from extreme anxiety. I admitted myself into treatment for depression outside of traditional therapy and I know that I will be more resourced in the end because I put my pride aside and got honest with the people around me.

What did you learn about yourself over the past year?

Embedded throughout all of this year’s experiences was my deep work to heal from past internal wounds around suicide and depression in my family history, as well as confronting my codependency. This healing was messy! There was a lot of anger, frustration, self-isolation, and sadness. In the end, it helped me to reconnect with a relationship that I have backburnered for some time, my relationship with myself.

I learned that I am stronger than I think, but selfless to a fault. I’ve also learned that I can use the same grit and determination that got me where I am in my career to support my family and myself. So often, I’ve judged myself for the effort I’ve put in at work at the expense of the people I value most in life. This year afforded me the opportunity to rebalance the scale and implement the lessons I’ve learned in my professional life at home.

What are you going to stop doing in the coming year? What are you going to continue doing next year? What are you going to start doing next year?

In the coming year, I am going to stop ignoring my inner thoughts and the physical signals my emotions and body are sending to my brain so I can take action. I am going to stop being in such a hurry to do all of the things. I am throwing out the inclination to push through and pretend as if I have it all together.

Instead, I choose to focus on the following:

• Continuing to identify what I need in the moment,

• Dropping unnecessary balls when my load becomes too heavy to bear so I can manage my burnout,

• Giving myself permission to rest when necessary,

• Identifying areas that are actually within my control,

• Letting go of what is no longer serving me,

• Accepting the things in life over which I have no control,

• Asking for help when I can’t do something alone,

• Noticing the gifts around me that fill my cup, and

• Embracing the hobbies and experiences that bring me joy.

I also plan to pinpoint and implement much needed boundaries throughout my life to protect my energy and emotions. Boundaries will be my focal point in 2025. I want to learn to identify when it is appropriate to say no and to do so effectively. I also choose to begin taking intentional steps in accordance with my values and not because someone asked or pushed me in that direction.

What can you do today to take the first step in the direction toward making 2025 your best year yet?

Today, I am spending some time with my WILL cohorts to set my intentions for 2025. I hate new year’s resolutions. In fact, I skipped the whole exercise in 2024. Maybe it was a sign that the wind was going to blow me in a different direction while I was busy making plans. I began the year with throwing out my “to do’s” and my “shoulds”. This year is different. I choose to be intentional and focus my energy on ensuring that I am living my life according to my personal values and continue my path of healing.