It's OK To Not Be OK

The lessons I learned this week after a difficult emotional spiral.

Photo by Jasmeet Singh on Unsplash

This week has been hard. It was a week where I put unnecessary pressure on myself to wrap up outstanding projects before the end of the year. I relived feelings of trauma when our daughter’s therapist suggested graduation from therapy. Then, I capped off the week by setting a difficult boundary with dear friends in order to protect my peace.

The combination of these experiences set me down an emotional spiral that scared me into action. I’m admitting my difficulties out loud and in this blog because I want to do what I can to reduce the shame that comes with mental health struggles. I want to normalize that it is OK to not be OK. The first step to healing is recognizing there is a problem. So, here I am admitting to the world that I am not OK.

There are different schools of thought on the best approach for dealing with a difficult season. First and foremost, I sit in the sadness. I have had to wrestle with grief a time or two in life. My first season, before therapy, probably centered around avoidance. I did not want to feel the pain, so I pretended it did not exist. I do not recommend this approach because it always comes back to haunt you. Subsequent seasons of grief have taught me that the only way out is through. It is not easy to take this path, but it is the path of least resistance and the path that will deliver the most lessons. So, ignore any well-meaning attempts to redirect your attention. You must sit and feel the feels.

This week’s breakdown taught me a few important lessons. First, it taught me that I am in need of more boundaries in life. I have been doing a lot of work this year to identify and set boundaries at work and in personal relationships. The legal profession does not always smile kindly on such attempts, but I have found that the people who truly succeed in their careers, or at least have careers that I admire, do so because they have healthy boundaries. They are able to distinguish between work they should be doing, work they should be delegating, and work they can delay or simply not do. They are able to identify and set goals and prioritize actions to help them achieve those goals. They also have clarity on what is important in life and say “No” to those activities that take them away from what’s important.

It is also necessary to identify and set boundaries with our loved ones. Boundaries can preserve relationships and teach others how to treat us. Now, I am no expert on boundaries and I am new to this world, so maybe there is a blog post in my future on my boundary setting journey. I will only say now that I am consulting a trusted expert, Nedra Glover Tawwab’s boundary setting manual, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. I read it a few years ago and even bought her workbook. It’s time I actually spend the time doing the exercises. Until then, so that I can protect and care for my soul, I am surrounding myself with givers and distancing from the takers, the crazymakers, the people who are on a different journey, and the people whose interactions leave me feeling bad.

Next, the intense feelings that came up in response to the therapist’s suggestion that my daughter may be ready for graduation have taught me the importance of speaking up when I feel discomfort. I experienced this reaction because she had “graduated” from therapy five months before her suicide attempt. There was a lingering voice in the back of my brain that told me that summer maybe she was not ready to leave therapy. That summer, I listened to the arguments in favor of graduation: she achieved her treatment goals and had tools to help her manage difficult emotions and self-soothe when those emotions became heavy. The months that followed and this year have shown me that sometimes it is necessary to challenge and poke holes in well-intentioned guidance. Maybe I have facts they are not privy to or they are looking at it from a different angle and it is up to me to advocate a different result that I believe is more appropriate.

Lastly, this week has taught me that I need more support. My daughter’s journey wrote the roadmap for my journey today. My trauma, exhaustion, and heartache pushed me even more to the brink of a scary place, but it also afforded me the opportunity to see my growth.

I noticed that I was struggling and I asked for help. Rather than isolating, disappearing into a black hole, and listening to the dark advice in my head, I reached out to my husband, oldest friend, mother, cousin, and best friend to tell them what I was experiencing. I pulled out my journal to name my emotions and seek guidance from my inner mentor. I pulled in trained professionals such as a mental health crisis hotline, requested an emergency session with my therapist, and admitted my thoughts and feelings to my intensive outpatient program therapist. I have now made the difficult decision to step up my care and admit myself into a partial hospitalization program during my holiday break.

Now that I have sat in my sad feelings and have identified the lessons that this week has offered, I plan to focus on the good. Our brains are primitively wired to scan the horizon for danger. We have to put in the work to rewire our brains to take in the positivity around us. In other words, we can rewire our brains to be happy. This does not mean that you dig your head in the sand or sweep your troubles under the rug. Rewiring happiness is an important skill that we can develop by intentionally shining a spotlight on the good in our lives.

One way we can rewire happiness is through gratitude journaling. If you are new to gratitude journaling, it is a method of journaling that lists and describes the people, things, and experiences for which we are thankful. You can deepen its effects my truly digging into why these people and things make you happy. It can have the effect of filling your soul with a little ball of warmth. Here are some gratitude journaling prompts to help you identify the things in life that make you grateful.

Another tool is to ask yourself how you wish you were feeling, then focus on thoughts and actions you can take to help you experience that feeling. One way to do this is to maintain a list of activities that bring you joy. It’s not a good idea to brainstorm these actions when you are in the heat of a heightened emotion. It may even be hard when you are not in the thick of it so make it in advance. Think of it as your emergency action plan. Here is a list to get you started. My list includes:

• Sunrise walks around water like a pond, lake, or river

• Listening to my curated playlist that puts words to my complicated thoughts and feelings during my mental health journey

• Catching up with a likeminded friend who understands mental health and has similar values

• Writing this blog

• Journaling to my higher self and asking for guidance

• Singing and dancing to a song that matches my energy

• Laughing at a hilarious television show like Insecure or movie like Coming to America

• Learning to run again

• Learning ballet

• Yoga

• Taking a bubble bath by candlelight

• Playing a silly game with my family

• Sitting around a firepit and making smores

• Watching the Real Housewives with my husband and friends

• Hiking or glamping in the mountains

• Getting a massage, facial, or Korean body scrub

• Seeing a musical or play

• Exploring a new restaurant

• Cooking a new recipe

• Visionboarding

• Meditating

What about you? What brings you joy? What tools do you use to rewire your brain for happiness?