Confessions of a Recovering Codependent

Finding my higher self

Photo by Raúl Nájera on Unsplash

This month, I have been putting in the work to recover my sense of identity. My artist’s dates have reignited my love for theater, dance, nature, and new culinary experiences. It’s amazing how I’ve begun to look forward to these solo evenings. No longer am I putting my interests and desires on the back burner while I prioritize the needs of others. Instead, I’m checking off activities on my wish list and scheduling time for recreational pursuits I’ve been promising myself I would try, sometimes again. Adult ballet class on Mondays? Check! Early morning jogs? Check again! I’ve taken myself to see a hilarious stage production of one of my favorite movies, Clue, and even gone on an epicurean adventure at a restaurant that has long been on my to do list, Nina May. As I’ve delighted in these experiences, a recurring refrain has played in my head, Rent’s “No Day but Today.”

This identity recovery process has highlighted just how frequently I’ve allowed other people, or as Julia Cameron has termed them in The Artist’s Way, “crazymakers,” derail my creative pursuits and dreams. Cameron introduces the term in “Week 2: Recovering a Sense of Identity.” Crazymakers are “personalities that create storm centers.”

We all know them. Two choice examples that resonated with me in Cameron’s book compare crazymakers to those who “show up two days early for your wedding and expect to be waited on hand and foot” and the ones who “suffer a wide panoply of mysterious ailments that require care and attention whenever you have a deadline looming and interrupt you with statements like, ‘I know you’re on a deadline, but this will only take a minute.’”

When you give into the crazymakers, and if you are like me, it’s so easy to give into them, that thing that was important to you becomes a “mere backdrop for the crazymaker’s personal plight.” Want to know the most damning quote of all that turned my self-care odyssey on its head?

Admit that you are being used—and admit that you are using your own abuser. Your crazymaker is a block you chose yourself, to deter you from your own trajectory. As much as you are being exploited by your crazymaker, you, too, are using that person to block your creative flow.

If you are involved in a tortured tango with a crazymaker, stop dancing to his/her tune. Pick up a book on codependency…

So, I did. Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More has been the perfect compliment to my The Artist’s Way recovery. Beattie defines a codependent as “one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.” It is a common personality trait found in people who have a close friend, relative, or spouse with a chemical dependency, but not all codependents have this affinity. It can show up if you have a close relationship with someone who has emotional or mental health issues, or if you have a loved one with a chronic illness. Parents whose children have behavioral issues may exhibit codependent tendencies. Codependency often even shows up in professionals in public service occupations like social workers, therapists, nurses, and yes even lawyers.

Beattie explains that a common denominator with codependents is that they have a relationship, whether personal or professional, “with troubled, needy, or dependent people.” What can follow are silent family rules that “prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations. . . selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change—however healthy and beneficial that movement might be.” These rules can inevitably set the standard for future relationships.

While spending quality time with myself and doing the work to heal the generational trauma that I’ve inadvertently passed down to my daughters, I’m learning the important skill of self-soothing as I recover my own identity and chart a new path for my immediate family. This recovery starts with letting go of my obsessive need to be the fixer. I’ve learned that in attempting to “fix” my daughters and soothe whatever pain that ails them, I’m teaching them it’s not okay to sit in the discomfort of negative emotions. Hakuna Matata, right?

Wrong! Our emotions are important evolutionary sensors that alert us to danger. In feeling the feels, we allow our brains to process information and take in whatever lesson the universe is presenting us. Whether it be sadness, joy, anxiety, overwhelm, or fear, the universe will continue to offer these lessons until we let go and willingly learn to dodge and weave, or refrain from touching that hot stove.

Beattie’s lessons on codependency are also teaching me that my obsessive need to “fix” the problems of others inevitably has kept me on a perpetual Ferris wheel of emotions like anger, guilt, and resentment because it results in self-abandonment and emotional depletion. Through my recreational pursuits, I’m learning to fill my own cup. I’m lowering my hand and no longer volunteering. I offer help only after someone asks for it and only when I have the capacity to give it. These days, that capacity is minimal and that is okay. My new motto is “‘No.’ is a complete sentence.” I’m monitoring for times when I feel guilted into taking on a new project or endeavor that I don’t want to do, but I think I should do. The more I engage in activities that bring me joy and check off items from my personal wish list, the more I recognize the nuance between a “HELL YES!” and a “Maybe.”

This new selfish phase has also allowed me to embody my higher self. While it’s a little woo woo, and may take some time to get used to, your higher self is the wise, inner voice we all have in the back of our head. It’s free of judgement, gentle, kind, logical, and knowing. I first discovered the concept of a higher self when I began working with my career coach who introduced me to it through meditation. While this is not her meditation, I’m linking one I found online to introduce the concept. It’s a powerful tool that I’ve turned to frequently this year while seeking to unlearn my codependent ways and tap into my own rational, astute, and intuitive judgement when I need comfort or advice. If you think you might be codependent like me, I invite you to give it a try. Enjoy!