In my solitude...

Dancing with myself

Photo by Arun Anoop on Unsplash

This year it seems the universe is pushing me to get to know a friend I haven’t caught up with in awhile, myself. It’s no secret this has been a trying year for the Nightengale household, or that I have cycled in and out of burnout since my days as a mid-level law firm associate. Now that my daughter is thriving (fingers crossed) after her suicide attempt, I’m finding that it’s time to pour back into myself. Between becoming (an amazing) someone’s wife, becoming a mother, and balancing those roles with a demanding career that frequently requires me to lean in at the detriment of myself depending on the latest crisis or emerging issue, I’ve lost track of what makes me, me in this moment.

When I first sought to heal from burnout as a workplace health and safety attorney in the pandemic, a wellness coach recommended I find a hobby. The idea of a hobby was foreign. A hobby? What’s a hobby? I remember googling and finding such examples as cooking, running, yoga, and writing. All things I once had an interest in doing, some of which I even actually used to do but somehow lost.

Enter The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. When I was in the thick of survival / rescue mode last winter, I confessed to my career coach Elena that I was thinking of sharing my journey in a blog to channel my emotions and help other families going through similar experiences feel seen and learn. She suggested that I explore starting a Substack and invited me to join a second Mastermind she was opening for clients that was centered around Julia Cameron’s book, which is aimed at helping “creatives” become unblocked and heal.

I craved a healing outlet long before our family’s recent trauma. Indeed, Elena was not the first person to suggest I take the Substack leap. The universe has a funny way of propelling you down a path you are meant to take, whether you want to or not. The universe nudged me again when I visited one of my dearest friends weeks later who had, you guessed it, a copy of The Artist’s Way on her bedside table. Then and there, I decided to take in what the universe was offering. I told Elena I was interested. I attended an interest meeting with past women lawyer members of her Creator’s Circle and their stories of expansion and growth inspired me even more. Most of them continue to practice law and yet still make time for art, solo dates, creative writing, and following their passion. Most inspiring was their stories of Artist’s Dates, which empowered them to allow space for themselves and their inner creative. As Julia Cameron explains, “Artist Dates are assigned play. The Artist Date is a once-weekly, festive, solo expedition to explore something that interests you.” An Elena Mastermind with other amazing women lawyers where I can learn how to play and find a hobby? I was in!

I’m almost one month in and I’m getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. I am an unabashed extrovert. COVID and my difficult winter this year taught me the importance of building and centering myself in my village. After all, it was my village that helped me draw my roadmap to rescue my daughter. My village anchored me, resourced me, and educated me as I navigated the unknown. Now that we are on the other side of the storm, I’m realizing that I also had a hidden inner strength that I didn’t know existed. This year has afforded me the opportunity to learn not only how I can service or support others through a crisis, but also myself. It’s amazing how I’ve led myself and what I’ve accomplished.

Now, as I catch my breath on the other side, I’m excited to play. Only, I never was quite good at play. I’m looking forward to learning and exploring what the DMV and my imagination has to offer. My initial Artist Dates had me timidly dipping my toe in the pool of solitude. I began with a phoneless and dogless walk around a pond near my office, followed by another unplugged walk on the beach. Last week, I closed my eyes and jumped by creating my first Substack post. This week, Goblet of Fire at the Alamo. I’m excited for the playful experiences my date has planned next: a free movie screening at the Kennedy Center, a bougie dinner at a new restaurant, a play or musical, an art show, and even a dancing queens drag brunch. The opportunities are endless!