Building a Deeper Well

The steps I am taking to increase my emotional resilience.

Photo by Frank Albrecht on Unsplash

I’ve been pondering on a name for my Substack for some time. We are a household of music lovers. Music has been getting me through this difficult year. Our 16-year old introduced us to Kacey Musgraves this year. I am not much of a country fan due to its lack of diversity and inclusivity (thank you Queen Bey for shining a spotlight on this), but I have appreciated a few artists here and there.

The song that resonated most with me is Deeper Well. It is on the playlist I shared in a post a few months back. I play it daily to get me through. This week, it dawned on me that “finding a deeper well” is exactly what this blog is all about. Only, I’m doing it with intention. I’m not searching for it. I’m building it.

In talking about a “deeper well”, I’m referring to my resilience or capacity to withstand and recover from the turbulence of life and its challenges. Each of us have a threshold or limit to our resilience. It is the proverbial “breaking point” where we no longer have the capacity to withstand additional pressure.

When we reach that breaking point, it fundamentally and irreversibly changes us. Reaching that point repeatedly in a short period of time has cumulative effects that can reduce our resilience threshold and negatively impact our capacity to bounce back. It can take tremendous energy to reach a new homeostasis after such a fundamental shift.

My resilience threshold is truncated and I am ending the year fundamentally and irreversibly changed. The one thing that is certain is that life will indeed continue to life. Maybe it will slow down, but since I cannot hang my hat on that, I’ve been putting in the energy to deepen my reserves. Musgrave’s Deeper Well resonates because she illustrates the sort of roadmap that I have been utilizing to survive the year.

I have been pretty discerning with whom I allow to exist in my orbit. I am a loyal Taurus at my core. Loyalty is a core value and I stay loyal to the people I love to a fault. When you add my codependency to the mix, you may find that I have a terrible history of thinking I can fix relationships that aren’t working by loving harder, supporting the person through their challenges, fixing open wounds, and putting in the work.

This year has taught me that it’s okay to say goodbye to the people that cause more pain than joy, zap my energy, don’t pour into me, and are “real good at wasting my time.” I’m learning that I can love these people from afar. I’ve found myself distancing from so many people that I love. I can thank them for the good times we may have shared and continue on my journey.

Instead, I am spending a lot of time with myself. I am learning my likes and dislikes by exploring new experiences and noticing what fills my soul with joy. I am learning to seek advice internally. Indeed, I provide guidance to others for a living. Recent events have reminded me that I have sound judgement and life experience to navigate the ups and downs of life. When my inner mentor doesn’t have the answer or I am unable to reach her, I can ask for help. My husband, close family, external mentors, childhood and other longstanding friends, career coach, therapists, and group coaching/therapy circle have been invaluable in providing that extra support.

I’m also working to identify habits that do not support my well-being. So far, I’m implementing the following techniques to care for myself:

• Reducing my alcohol intake to special occasions with people who drink responsibly and implementing a two drink limit when I do drink.

• Prioritizing hydration and being thoughtful about how much and how frequently I drink water.

• Nourishing my body with more veggies and protein by starting my day with a protein smoothie made with leafy greens to increase my energy and stabilize my blood sugar.

• Creating morning and evening routines that consist of mindful activities like meditation, walking, reading and journaling, including a gratitude practice so I can rewire my brain to see the positivity around me and settle my primitive instinct to scan my surroundings for that all consuming saber tooth tiger.

• Reducing addiction to numbing electronic devices like my phone, computer, and television with a digital detox during my personal hours so I can “un-numb”, increase my emotional awareness, and nourish my inner creative.

• Putting in the work through intensive outpatient group therapy and group career coaching to learn new coping skills and soothe my inner child.

Growing up we take in so much of our surroundings, the good and the bad. Each generation does what it can to erase the generational trauma, which can be even more prevalent in minority populations. It’s no secret that this year I’ve questioned my efficacy in erasing the generational trauma for my girls. It may be almost inevitable that we will escape childhood with battle scars. By working on myself, I am doing what I can to minimize the scars I inflict. The best I can do is model how they can build a deeper well for themselves. It is my hope they learn to do so by:

• Creating a community that nourishes and supports them.

• Developing habits that support their well-being without numbing the pain.

• Feeling the pain and the joy to identify their needs.

• Seeking resources to teach them how to soothe and care for their inner child.

• Asking for help when they are not resourced or need assistance with increasing their resilience.

I invite you to join me as I build my deeper well. Please share any tips or habits that have helped you to rewire your brain and increase your resiliency.