Prioritizing Selfishness over Selflessness

Embracing my selfish phase

I was raised to be selfless. My instinct was always to think first about the needs of others, how my actions would impact them, and what I could do to support them through a difficult time. Before this year, I would have worn my selflessness as a badge of honor. It was my superpower. I proudly donned my cape and never thought I would take it off. If you too were empathetic, thoughtful, nurturing, compassionate, and helpful, then you were were my kinfolk. I gravitated towards people who would give you the shirt off their back, no questions asked. In contrast, “selfish” people have always repulsed me. Try as I may, inevitably, I would find myself walking away.

After putting in the work this year, I’ve learned to throw the cape away. If we are Facebook friends, then you know I’ve sung the praises of Nicole Lapin’s Becoming Super Woman. I bought it in 2019 during my first burnout recovery attempt and it’s been my bible whenever I’m in need of some tender loving self-care. It’s a twelve step plan that’s meant to guide women to move from burnout to balance. Obviously I picked it back up this year. Twice in fact. I honestly just keep it on my bedside at this point and focus on the chapter of the moment to fill me with whatever sage wisdom my soul is craving. This season, “Step 2: ‘Self’ Is My Favorite Four-Letter Word”.

The end of the 2024 Spring Semester almost killed me as a mom. I had to battle the elementary school to pull my daughter from the harmful reach of a teacher who dulled her spirit. This was quite a fete because man, is she a spirited child. Luckily, my training as an attorney helped me to advocate in her best interests with a level of fierceness that no parent ever should have to experience. While successful, I walked away from the school year with deep battle scars that left me licking my wounds and celebrating immensely after my daughter departed the school of doom for the last time. When it was time to send her back into a school system that I feared had failed her, I couldn’t get though the middle school parent orientation without sobbing into my husband’s shoulder.

(Spoiler alert, the trauma of the past and the fear for the future were unfounded. The middle school is amazingly supportive. She is thriving, laughing, making new friends, and even learning that despite what the teacher who shall not be named may have drilled into her, she actually is good at math.)

I listened to Lapin’s book again after I found myself sobbing uncontrollably in my office the next day, afraid to take a mental health day because I had my fourth General Counsel briefing of the summer the following day and I needed to power through. Like the fall risk (Step 1: Killing Superwoman) and boundaries (Step 5: Boundaries, Bitch) chapters before it, Step 2 was the life raft I needed. I’ve spent the year rescuing my daughter and immediate family from the woes of depression and the wake it can leave behind for those in the crossfire. Despite my best efforts, I somehow went back to neglecting my needs. That’s been a recurring theme throughout my career. There was always this one brief, settlement conference, or regulatory investigation that required me to power through. The difference is this year, I realized I’m the model and that model could literally be the difference between life and death.

Burning the candle at both ends leaves no fuel in the tank, especially when the fumes that previously sustained me were now being burned to support the needs of others. It left me feeling exhausted, neglected, and needy. Only, no one was coming in to rescue me, but myself. I was on an emotional rollercoaster. Although I began to prioritize sleep and establish critical but overdue boundaries, the process left me feeling angry and resentful. It’s hard work to establish boundaries. Especially, for a person like me who was raised to be selfless.

While they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I’ve decided to throw my hands in the air and take selfishness for a test ride. I’m learning that being selfish is not necessarily a bad thing. In Step 2, Lapin adeptly relies on the definition for selfless to help her readers see how being selfless, or “having little or no concern for or thought of oneself,” is actually the real word with negative connotations. Indeed, its synonyms include “self-sacrificing” and “self-denying”. I don’t know about you, but I’m done sacrificing myself and denying my needs for anyone, save my kids. So, please help me in saying goodbye and good riddance to the selfless woman of yesteryear.

Whenever I need strength and grounding, I turn to music. Life is a musical and it’s all going on in my head. Its score fuels me and heals me. Particularly, during times like this year. It helps me identify my feelings and process my thoughts. My brain is a never ending playlist of songs that are helping me navigate my selfish phase. On rotation, have been songs that form the background melody for my introspective sunrise walks until the time that I sit down to complete my morning pages. They have reinforced that I don’t need anyone to come rescue me. This week, I am obsessed with the Jhené Aiko song, B.S. While the song is really about not accepting less than your worth when dating, it’s been my anthem for life generally as well. The following line has particular importance and it has been playing on repeat in my head:

I am on my own now.

I am in control now.

I need you to go now.

I can fix my own crown.

I’m sharing my extraordinary playlist in case if you need a little push to give you life during your selfish phase. Below are some of my favorites:

• Extraordinary Machine (Fiona Apple)

• Needy (Ariana Grande)

• B.S. (Jhené Aiko, feat. H.E.R.)

• Secret O’ Life (James Taylor)

• Private Party (India.Arie)

• Lost for Now (Bilal)