The Power of Community

Mental health declines in darkness.

Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

This week, I had the pleasure of attending my favorite professional conference, Corporate Counsel Women of Color (CCWC).  CCWC has been an anchor point for me since going in-house.  It is a perfect mix of continuing legal education and community building for a profession that can be incredibly isolating for a woman of color.  Every time I leave the conference, I walk away with new supportive relationships, as well as an abundance of inspiration.  It is magical to be in a room filled with likeminded women whose experiences are similar to mine. 

I am lucky to have a naturally diverse village.  I am the only lawyer in my family, having been raised in a circle of scientists, engineers, and teachers.  The family I've chosen is a good mix of lawyers and non-lawyers. Outside of the group of chosen loved ones I've met through law school, work, and my career coaching community, the people with whom I engage daily don't quite understand what it's like to be a woman lawyer of color in the corporate space. 

The legal world for a woman, let alone a woman of color, can be quite isolating. A career filled with the unspoken expectation of putting client needs first and foremost results in an overwhelming feeling of mom guilt on steroids and personal depletion. It's intense.  Sometimes it's contentious. It requires survival skills. Fortunately, my career no longer includes the noose that is law firm billable hours, which requires lawyers to account for their time and demonstrate their value by how productive and effective they are in six minute increments.  I no longer have to put my needs on a shelf so I can bill another six minutes for the firm's bottom line. Still, there is limited opportunity for work/life balance.  There is the never ending competition to demonstrate my value through productivity and accomplishments. 

Even worse, the legal world by nature demands perfection.  There is no room for a woman like me to be mediocre.  I can't show up unprepared like Ken in Barbie and expect to scrub in for surgery. Minor mistakes are glaringly obvious and infrequently forgotten.  It is not unheard of for well-meaning senior attorneys of color to remind their mentees that they have to be the first one in and the last to leave.  Heaven forbid life takes over and requires them to take a breather for the sake of themselves or their family.  Memories are fleeting and grace can only take you so far.  We are expected to always be resilient.  Dig deep and find a way to do it all.  We must pick ourselves up, smile, and keep going. 

Luckily, I have an amazingly supportive, loving, and understanding husband.  He doesn't have a huge ego.  He does his best to forego traditional gender roles and is present for the kids and me.  This allows me to put in the hours and grind whenever my career requires it. 

The CCWC conference continues to be a necessary reminder to surround myself also with a community of women who get it. For this reason, I have committed to investing in myself if necessary to ensure I'm resourced to finish the year on a positive note. I concluded my first day this year with a refreshingly honest small group session where other women graciously shared their personal stories with a room of like-minded strangers.  Their authentic honesty was medicinal for this difficult season of life.  That feeling of commonality was an elixir that lifted an immense weight off my shoulders. It also reinforced that I am doing the right thing in being so candidly honest in blogging on my year of hell.  

On day two of the conference, I received devastating news.  I saw the storm coming.  It didn't make it any easier when it arrived. I am still quite numb. However, as I return home to power through with the latest curve ball that life has thrown in my path, my heart is filled with hope and strength from the love of my community.  My postings to date have highlighted the importance of self-care, but I thought I would write this week about the importance of connection and asking for help. 

It's never been easy for me to ask for help.  Again, I'm only now learning how exactly to identify my needs.  I've been taught to live life by the Billie Holiday edict, God Bless the Child that Has Its Own.  Don't depend on others. Be careful who you trust. Keep your personal experiences close.  Indeed, I've had well-meaning family members question the candidness of my blog.  How does my daughter feel about me sharing her story?  She has given her consent and shares candidly with her peers at school. How can I share such deeply personal feelings?  I've always struggled with the concept of secrecy.  As an extroverted empath, I believe in the power of relating.  I process my feelings by sharing and discussing them out loud.  It's important to me that my children do the same.  Since my family's journey began this year, I've believed deeply that mental health declines in darkness. 

Nonetheless, this season of life has required me to resource myself.  I've been learning how to sit in my feelings, be uncomfortable, and self-soothe to regulate my emotions.  I've been wrestling with the perception of neediness. I've been playing Ariana Grande's Needy, followed by Jhene Aiko's B.S. on repeat as I've turned the conflicting concepts of independence and community around in my head. I'm turning inwards to meet my growing list of needs as I recover from codependency.  This blog was born from my attempt to reconcile my instinct to share and help others with my quest to better support myself.

As I sit on the plane and draft my delayed blog post, my experiences this week are shining a spotlight on perspective. This winter was a nightmare that I am very much still processing.  This fall is only foreshadowing that winter is coming.  I'm someone who deeply believes that difficult seasons happen in life for a reason, only that reason is murky when you are in the thick of the sludge that is life.  This week I still believe it's important to resource myself internally, but I now see it's also okay to ask for help when I need it.  Yesterday, I needed it. 

My heart is filled with immense gratitude to my community who pulled me through last night.  Life has had me feeling lately that I've been running on fumes with limited gas in my tank, but I see now that this season of difficulty was merely preparing me for the battle that was looming ahead.  I am gearing up so I will be ready.  I am thankful for the gift of perspective, the safety of self-reliance, and the comfort of community.  If you are reading this, thank you.