Giving Myself Permission to Rest

The importance of hitting the pause button during recovery.

My last post was the precursor to a much needed leave of absence from work, life, and all distractions from rest. Life had gotten hard. I have been living my annus horribilis. I needed a break. So, I hit the pause button.

It was not easy to hit the pause button. I am an overachiever after all. My profession celebrates perfection. There is minimal room for failure. So much is urgent. I’ve learned to dig deep, power through the pain, put clients’ needs first, and get it done. That’s why they pay us the big bucks, right? As a mother, wife, and the only child of aging parents, what remains of my energy so often goes to the care of others.

Powering through is all well and good until you hit a wall. This year, I’ve recognized I am no good to anyone if my energy stores are depleted. I’ve been rewiring my brain to prioritize self-care by putting my needs first, an act that includes recharging when I need it. The last few months, I’ve been incorporating tasks aimed at restoring myself. I’ve added ballet classes into the mix, weekly solo dates, and early morning wakeups so I can start my day with a workout and morning pages.

Despite these efforts, I recognized in mid-October that I was in the beginning stages of a mental breakdown. Once I admitted this fact, the options were crystal clear. I needed a break. I needed to catch my breath. I no longer cared about work deadlines, obligations, or deliverables. I had no energy to prove myself or demonstrate my value through contributions at work and home. I had no energy for the next crisis. The crisis was right in front of me and it was personal.

All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball, cry my eyes out, and sleep for at least three weeks. No one was going to give me the permission. Work wasn’t going to stop. There were still going to be new compliance questions to answer, regulatory actions that required a response, and annual goals that needed completion. My children were still going to have new lessons to review, exams that required preparation, meals to eat, supplies to buy, and activities to attend. I realized I was looking for life to stop moving and for someone to rescue and protect me. The only way that I was going to get a break from all of it, was if I took action and gave myself that break. So, I gave myself permission to rest.

I decided to take a one month leave of absence from work after spending one morning sobbing uncontrollably. I was processing what I thought was a mix of good and bad news the day prior about a loved one’s health during a session with my individual therapist. The flood gates opened up in my office and I couldn’t make the tears stop falling. Any attempt at self-soothing failed.

My emotions signaled I needed relief. I had already taken action in areas I was empowered to control. I did what I could to identify, communicate, and implement boundaries at work, home, and in my personal relationships. Now, it was time to admit what I couldn’t control. If I couldn’t control other people’s actions or the difficult realities that life threw at me, then the only remaining option was to take a break to increase my resilience threshold for when future difficulties came my way.

Once I made the decision to take a leave of absence from work, the next step was to say no to anything new that came my way that I didn’t want to do. I took a breather and found refuge at my father’s house to find peace and quiet for a couple days. It allowed me to settle my emotions and catch my breath. This meant leaving the family obligations to my husband and children to figure out. And, they did.

I then took stock of my schedule and completed an emotional audit to identify the obligations that would refill my energy cup or deplete it further. I said yes to an upcoming solo date but decided against scheduling anything further. I said no to several trainings and professional networking events that required me to travel far and put my best face forward. I said no to personal social events that involved drinking and interacting with strangers. I said no to blogging and any other task that felt like a “to do” as I was desperately craving to live the life of my meditation mantra, “there’s no where to go and nothing to do.”

Because I knew it would be restorative, I went to NYC to visit my career coach and two of my oldest and closest friends. It was the perfect mix of alone time and social time. NYC is my first love. I loved the sound of the traffic. Its people bustling from one place to the next entertained me. The talent on display in its theaters was unmatched. The unexpected art on its sidewalks, galleries, and museums amaze me. I love the diversity of its food and how I almost always have a great meal at unknown little restaurants I stumble upon. The individuality of its fashion is inspiring and makes me feel alive. Since I was a teenager, nothing lifts my spirits like a long walk down 7th avenue through the various neighborhoods and sites. The city (or the areas nearby) also has been home for some of my favorite people through the years. The city was calling me because I was in need of social interaction with people who knew me, understood me, would expect nothing from me, and would listen. A visit to the city was a tried and true way to restore my energy and recenter.

I spent the rest of my break resting and doing nothing. It has never been easy to give myself permission to do nothing. Each time that critical voice popped up with recommendations for things I should be doing (think cleaning, cooking, or decluttering), I thanked it for its concern and gave it permission to rest. It was a constant internal struggle, but as I am on the other side, I am glad I gave myself that permission.

While the election only confirmed that 2024 continues to be my annus horribilis, it was an important reminder that rest was not enough. I also needed more support upon my return to work. So, I took yet another courageous leap and started intensive outpatient therapy (IOP). It was humbling to return to work and explain that I would need to leave early three days a week to attend three hours of therapy after a four week leave of absence. It required me to admit yet again that I am not okay to others in a profession where the successful succeed by putting on their capes and putting their needs aside. Yet, I took the leap because I am modeling for my daughters that such thinking is unhealthy and inconsistent with living a life in balance.

Rest and IOP were the best gifts I could give to myself this year. As I begin to close out 2024 and my annus horribilis, I am holding onto the words of wisdom that Harry Potter and Hagrid dropped in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, there is “no point worrying yet . . . what [will] come, [will] come . . . and [I will] have to meet it when it [does].” Fortunately, I am taking the steps to ensure I am resourced when it comes.