Healing from Burnout
Recovering My Sense of Safety and Security
As I previously mentioned, a large part of my grief recovery has been Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. It has helped me to reconnect with myself through creative expression and play. Given that two of the corner stones of this work are solo dates and morning journal pages, I have had the opportunity to sit with myself and get to know who I am as an adult in my forties. I now know that my two core values are authenticity, love, and safety and security.
My sense of safety and security have felt threatened over the past year as I’ve encountered a number of life changing experiences in quick succession that have affected some of the people who matter most. The result is that I have learned to reparent myself with a never before seen ferociousness. While well overdue, the result has been quite isolating.
Identifying Burnout
Last week, I consulted burnout expert, Erayna Sargent, founder of Hooky Wellness to help me identify tools to help protect me from continued burnout upon completion of my outpatient intensive therapy program. As this very helpful blog post on Sargent’s website explains (quoting licensed therapist and burnout expert, Kelley Anne Bonner), “Burnout is, ‘A culmination of mental, physical, and emotional stress. The demand outweighs the resources . . . [Burnout] is cynicism, hopelessness, and a permanent side eye to joy.’” Burnout occurs in response to unmanaged chronic stress over time.
I have been suffering from habitual burnout since 2016 or so. It has looked like a cycle of leaning into work to prove my worth and commitment to my work organization, team, and my clients. These habits also were an indirect attempt to overcome feelings of inadequacy.
I tried to balance this overwork by focusing heavily on my family to make up for time spent away from home. Given that there are only but so many hours in the day and work week. I woke early to start my work day so I could leave at a reasonable hour and had time to volunteer during the week in classrooms, chaperone field trips, and lead my daughter’s Girl Scout troop. I also worked late on Fridays or Mondays so I could spend the weekend doing activities like volunteering as a backstage room mom during dance recitals and volunteering during swim meets. When I wasn’t at work or with family, I was a sloth on the couch numbing myself with television, revenge scrolling at night to keep up with Bravo TV reality gossip, eating unhealthy food because I was too exhausted to cook and so depleted my body was seeking refined carbs for energy and comfort, and drinking with friends for relief.
Chronic stress and burnout leads to exhaustion, emotional depletion, increased anxiety, procrastination, and apathy towards work and things that once brought enjoyment. Ultimately, I was wandering aimlessly through life and ignoring my personal needs, emotions, and dreams.
So, what does burnout look like? For me, it manifested in the following symptoms:
Irritability (usually with family)
Reduced sleep quality (I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep)
Lower productivity (As a law firm associate, my billable hour efficiency rate was in the toilet)
Increased anxiety
Persistent chronic fatigue
Excessive weight gain
Procrastination
Resentfulness
Perception of constant pressure
Insulin resistance or pre-diabetes
Increased alcohol consumption (I only drank on the weekend but struggled with moderation)
Self-doubt
With my burnout at its peak last year, I experienced all of these symptoms along with:
Pessimistic outlook
Social isolation
Chronic sadness
Chronic mental fatigue
Chronic physical fatigue
Depression
Burnout need not be work related. My burnout sent me over to depression thanks to the addition of intense emotional strain from multiple family emergencies on top of my well established rut of personal neglect.
Embarking on My Healing Journey
I am now learning to soothe my inner child by recovering a sense of play, creativity, self-compassion, and self-acceptance. This requires me to put myself on the top of the priority list. It’s not easy and I’m often plagued with feelings of guilt and selfishness. But, I now know that I am no good to my family, work, clients, or friends if I am not okay.
You have heard me describe the steps I am taking to recover my sense of play and creativity through solo artist dates. This past quarter I have focused on meeting my fundamental needs like sleep, nutrition (I’m down over 35 lbs!), movement and rest (more on this next week). I have also increased the intensity of my psychotherapy to process my emotions and I’m identifying my personal boundaries to safeguard my peace. While I am still figuring much of this out, I have grown comfortable with the idea that I will continue to be a work in progress.
Shedding Toxic Habits and Finding Social Support
The difficult part of my burnout and depression recovery is my new tendency to self-isolate. The past few weeks have taught me that this is actually the natural healing process. As Julia Cameron explains in The Artist’s Way, “[a]s our artist’s protective parent, we must learn to place our artist with safe companions. Toxic playmates can capsize our artist’s growth.”
This quote comes from the second chapter of her book, “Recovering a Sense of Identity”. I am four months into my Artist’s Way journey and this quote resonates deeply. The growth stage of my recovery has left me quite comfortable with spending time on my own. In fact, I feel unbalanced when I don’t get the necessary alone time that my inner artist craves. Thanks to Sargent’s sage guidance, I understand this is a natural byproduct of the shedding process that comes with healing. I am shedding what is no longer serving me to make way for new luscious leaves as part of my growing process.
The unintended consequence of my solo playtime has been an inability to reach out for support. I have felt pretty misunderstood while experiencing the myriad of my emotions. So much of the healing process is internal and not visible to others around me. There also have been occasions when my attempts to share my thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities have been misinterpreted due to the shear emotion of my experience or the persistent weight and darkness of all the emotions I am carrying.
I am no longer the unselfish, overly giving empath who has resources for any and everyone in need. My resources are preoccupied with pulling myself out of the gulf that is depression, anxiety, and burnout. While I certainly have pockets of light and fun, they look different. No longer does alcohol or frivolity accompany those fleeting moments. My “recovering artist” as Julia Cameron calls it is instead starving for deep and meaningful connections based on reciprocity and support. Partying with unknown, faceless crowds only deepens my isolation.
Indeed, the byproduct of learning to self-soothe can be isolation. My social isolation has me pondering what it means to seek and provide social support or help from family, friends, groups, or communities during times of need. My default as of late is to self-soothe as I rewire my brain from my long ingrained codependent habits. Given that I typically played the role of the rescuer in most of my relationships (though admittedly I have played the role of victim in a select few relationships), the unfortunate result is that people so often are used to me having it all together.
This could not be further from the truth. I am learning to ask for help. It is not easy to do. This week, I have learned that not only is it important for me to shed what is no longer serving me, this shedding process must also be reinforced with social support so I can blossom and grow. Social support takes multiple forms.
Emotional Support
Emotional support from close friends or family who are resourced to help manage emotions like stress, anger, or depression when they become too heavy to carry alone is critical for emotional wellbeing. It looks like listening to someone who is in need and showing empathy to the pain and suffering they are experiencing.
After my depression came to a fever pitch that led me into partial hospitalization (intense outpatient therapy for 6 hours Monday-Friday) in December during my work’s annual holiday shutdown, I am building my personal safety plan to identify people who I can ask for help before I enter crisis. This has not been easy given that I am in the shedding stage of my recovery process. However, I have called on friends and family during the past several months for support.
I have a mental list of a few safe individuals to lighten the load on others so I don’t overburden any one individual. While feeling like a burden has been a recurring theme during my recovery, I am learning it is important to identify a select number of people who are safe, emotionally healthy, and empathetic so I do not suffer alone in silence. Given that I am knee deep in my recovery, this is not an easy task so it is important to do this in advance.
Tangible Support and 3. Informational Support
It is important to have a network of trusted advisers and support persons to provide tangible and informational support in your life and advise on how best to tackle practical problems. This is an area where I have already had success. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile, then you know that my career coach, Elena, and her community of women lawyers have been integral to my recovery journey. She has been with me from the first moment that I realized I was a burnout risk. I have been in therapy since 2011 and I plan to stay in therapy for life, maybe at a reduced cadence, because it is so critical to pay attention to emotional and mental health just like I would my physical health. Tangible and informational support can also look like a financial coach or adviser, daycare or babysitter, an ADHD coach, a health coach, a cleaning service, or any number of subject matter experts.
Social Support
Social support is another area where I am struggling during my recovery. Social interaction is a basic need for each of us, regardless of whether we are an introvert or extrovert. I’m sure that many of us have learned the importance of social connection during the COVID pandemic. Socialization helps meet our need for love, belonging, and connectedness. It provides security and contentment. I understand through intensive outpatient therapy this week that social support can be superficial, light, and fun like a social networking group, club, coworkers, or other friend. It also can be a deep, intimate, or meaningful connection like a spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, family member, best friend, or core group of long-term friends.
I have never been one for superficial relationships or small talk so this is an area where I am learning. I am thinking about the value that superficial connections can bring to our lives and how they can also provide support against isolation and loneliness. I’m sure I will be pondering this more in future blog posts.
So, what about you? What do you do to protect yourself from burning out with the difficulties of life? Who do you lean on to provide support and belonging?
In case if you missed them, here are resources that I’ve linked throughout this week’s post:
Hooky Wellness (Resources on Burnout)
Career Coaching for Women Lawyers (You don’t have to stop practicing law!)
Honored to be a supporter on your journey. 💗😊