Turning Empathy Inwards
How I'm practicing self-compassion
Last week, I shared how cognitive behavioral therapy has been instrumental for identifying thought distortions influenced by my inner critic and how self-compassion can be a powerful antidote to soothe old wounds to the inner child. If you are not familiar with the concept, self-compassion is a skill that involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is suffering. It is an effective tool for self-soothing.
So many of us have an internal voice that criticizes and second guesses our thoughts and actions. We are our own worst critic. We would never dream of speaking to a friend so cruelly in the face of anxiety, so why do we speak so critically to ourselves?
The first step to unwinding this thought pattern is awareness of the habit. I have been getting curious about that inner voice. How does it sound? Can I recognize its tone or words in people I’ve known from my past? This could be a parent, family member, teacher, supervisor, colleague, or an ex-partner or friend. How old is the voice? Is it young? Is it a voice that developed when I was a child or is it an adult voice? It can also be helpful to put a face to the voice so I can become less enmeshed with that part and decrease its power.
Next, I have been spending time thinking about what the voice is trying to tell me. Like the Disney movie franchise Inside Out, we have multiple emotional parts in our head that have formed over time based on personal experiences. These parts exist to give us information. They tell us what sparks joy, sadness, fear, anger, disgust, anxiety, and boredom just to name a few.
With mindfulness, I am becoming aware of these voices when they come up. This awareness can reveal a pattern over time. Anxiety is probably the part that is most chatty. This part shows up when I am afraid, usually because of something work-related. Almost certainly, it shows up when an internal sensor in my head perceives danger based on past experience. This perception often is not rational, balanced, or based in reality. It is an extreme thought that can be based on:
Catastrophizing (e.g., What if [insert worst case scenario] happens?)
All-or-Nothing Thinking (e.g., I can’t get anything right.)
Emotional Reasoning (e.g., I feel this way so it must be true)
Magnification of the Negative (e.g., I ruined everything)
Minimization of the positive (e.g., They didn’t mean it when they said I did a good job)
Jumping to Conclusions (e.g., She didn’t call me back so she must be mad at me)
Fortune Telling (e.g., I’m not going to get the job if I submit my resume)
Mind reading (e.g., He doesn’t want to hear from me)
Self Blaming (e.g., This is all my fault)
Blaming Others (e.g., This is all her fault)
Filtering Out the Positive (e.g., Only focusing on improvement opportunities after reading your annual review)
Overgeneralizing (e.g., This always happens)
Labeling (e.g., I’m a terrible friend)
Should or must statements (e.g., I should volunteer to help.)
This is when challenging the thought can come in handy. When I notice a thought distortion, I try to identify the part that is seeking my attention. Is it my workaholic part that wants me to do more so that I can be seen, valued, and appreciated? Is it my grief who is sad and needs reassurance? Maybe it’s my mom guilt that wants me to pay attention and spend quality time with my children.
Whatever the part, I am learning to sit with the ruminating thoughts and ask that part if it is okay. This can be easier when we imagine the part as a small child. I often visualize a photo from my childhood. Depending on the part, the words included in the looping thought, and tone of the voice, that part might need soothing. Soothing looks like:
Validating the part and acknowledging the difficult emotion that may have activated it. Is it sad, scared, or angry? Regardless of the emotion, acknowledge it using soft language like, “You must be so sad” or “This experience must be very difficult”.
Then, comfort your part as you would your best friend or child. (e.g., “Remember, I’m here for you and I deeply appreciate you. It’s okay. You are safe now.”). This step can be even more effective when using soothing touch, like placing your hand over your heart as you say it.
If possible, I try to give the part space to speak. (e.g., “What information do you want me to know?”)
I then offer words of assistance with language such as, “What do you need in this moment?”
I close out the discussion with reassurance. I thank the part of what it is attempting to do, let it know that I have the situation under control, and then explain the steps that I am taking to address its concerns.
Sometimes, my parts are activated simply because they want to be heard. Other times, they may be activated because they sense danger and want me to take steps in response. Regardless, it’s best to speak to our various parts with warmth, acceptance, and validation.
I often find that my activated parts developed as a child. They are whispers and sometimes louder warnings intended to protect myself from repeating past mistakes or experiencing negative situations. It’s not that I truly think I am inadequate, a failure, lazy, or cruel. These are words that come up in response to past harms.
I’m learning to develop a new voice who acknowledges that each and every one of us are continuing to learn new lessons daily. We are all a work in progress. We make mistakes, experience difficult seasons, and suffer from time to time. No season is permanent. New experiences can be scary. It’s not possible to have the answer to every problem when first confronted or even when reconfronted. It’s only natural for certain experiences to stir emotions. The question is, what do I need to settle those emotions?
I have had to release negative stigmas as I build my self-compassion muscle. It’s been helpful to get curious about some of these unhelpful thoughts. Self-compassion is not conceit or arrogance. I used to think I was being unnatural or phony when attempting to show myself compassion. I hadn’t fully bought into it. I still have these thoughts sometimes. The key is noticing when they come up and getting curious about why the part is thinking the thought.
Self-compassion is not self-pity. Showing ourselves kindness doesn’t make us weak or increase the likelihood that we will make a mistake, or excuse our bad behavior. We will make mistakes regardless of whether we show ourselves compassion when we do.
What about you? What recurring negative thought patterns do you have? What do you do to quiet that voice? How do you talk to a friend when they are upset? How do you comfort your friend or child? What words of comfort work when other extend them to you? How can you show your parts the same compassion?
To learn more about self-compassion, here are some resources from self-compassion expert Dr. Kristin Neff:
Center for Mindful Compassion (self-compassion course)
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook
Fierce Self-Compassion
Mindful Self-Compassion for Burnout